


Poetry Personified

by gentlemindedlostgirl



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, some homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-01-17 14:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1390612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlemindedlostgirl/pseuds/gentlemindedlostgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anderperry AU: Neil lives, and is allowed to return to Welton when he recovers.</p><p>Plot: The boys of the Dead Poet’s Society try to return back to normal after Neil comes back from The Incident. However, there is a large elephant in the room: Todd has realized that he is in love with Neil, and has no idea what to do. Title and certain lines based off of a lovely edit by tumblr user honey-realitybites.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Return of the Legend

They had all been waiting eagerly for him to come back. For a week or so now, the boys of the Dead Poet’s Society whispered to each other between classes, during class, whenever they could. All the same words, all with equal excitement, “Neil’s coming back.”

But it seemed the person that they had all expected to be the most animated about the return of the legend was all but silent. They could hardly coax him out of his room, hardly get him to say a word. He had returned to the state he had been in when he first arrived at Welton, silent, introverted, and preferring to be alone. They all had their ideas as to why he was acting this way, but none of them were quite right on their own. If you took bits and pieces from each of the boys, you would have a fraction of why Todd Anderson was often found alone in his room, sitting on his bed and scribbling away in his notebook.

Charlie was right, he felt betrayed.

Meeks was right, he felt a little bit alone.

Pitts was right, he felt lost.

But on top of that, and more ideas the boys had, Todd, for a while, had thought he lost his muse for good. The reason he kept writing each day had been taken from him for a while, selfishly. He kept himself isolated because it was only when he thought he had lost him that he realized something very important and very dangerous: he was in love with Neil Perry. The idea of it frightened him, and he didn’t want to admit to it. He spent his days alone in his room studying because the less he thought about Neil, the better. If he didn’t think about Neil, his heart wouldn’t flutter. If he didn’t think about Neil, he wouldn’t toy with the thought about what kissing him might feel like.

If he didn’t think about Neil, he would hurt less. Unfortunately, within the next few hours, he would be forced to think about Neil again. He was coming back to Welton just before dinner, and the boys were trying to plan a little welcome home gathering for him in the cave. Todd tried to tell them that sneaking out right after coming back was probably a terrible idea, but they all brushed it off and told him its what Neil would want. And if Todd was to be honest, they were probably right. Even still, the idea of it made him nervous, cautious as he ever was.

Charlie came to his room before dinner, knocking only just before opening the door and entering.

“C’mon, Todd. It’s time.”

Todd nodded and took a deep breath, getting out of bed. It was time. Time for Todd to confront his fears, time for Todd to see Neil for the first time since what the boys had begun to refer to as The Incident. He didn’t know why he felt so nervous and scared, why his heart was beating so quickly, or why his hands were shaking. He must have looked like a wreck to Charlie, but he was also sure that the other boy understood. They all felt pretty similarly about today, the same nerves trickled through the blood of each member of the Dead Poet’s Society. Every single one of them wanted to say something about it, but none of them did. They all knew. They were all connected in this nervousness, this fear. The same questions were running through each of their minds.

Will he be different?

Will he still want to do Dead Poet’s Society?

What if he’ll never be the same?

But even still, the group of boys made their way to dinner in a small pack, just like they did every night. Tonight it was different, though. Tonight each of them was vibrating with hope, with questions, with anxiousness, with excitement. They all stopped in their tracks when they reached the dining hall.

He was standing there, waiting for them, as they all knew he would be.

He looked exactly the same, as if The Incident had never happened, that was a third of their fears assuaged. He had a stony, serious expression on his face that made the boys nervous. But Todd made his way to the front of the crowd in an attempt to get a better look at him.

Neil smiled. Two thirds of their fears, gone. He practically ran to Todd, wrapping his arms around the shorter boy’s neck, pulling him tight into a close hug. Todd’s breath hitched in his chest, but he found himself wrapping his arms effortlessly around his waist. His heart was beating wildly, he knew that this was the start of the most difficult period of his life so far: the time when he would have to convince himself that he wasn’t in love with his roommate.

“Todd,” Neil breathed. It felt like ages since he had heard Neil say his name, and he could never remember it sounding quite so good. Perhaps it was true that distance makes the heart grow fonder after all.

“It’s good to have you back, Neil.” Todd replied, detaching himself from the taller boy. If he didn’t let go of him then, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to again.

In turn, all of the boys hugged Neil, clapped him on the back, and welcomed him back to Hellton. Charlie told him about wanting to go back to the cave that night, and Neil eagerly agreed, despite Todd’s protests.

The boys no longer had anything to fear.

They ate dinner together, chattering along, catching up on everything. Neil asked them all questions about the goings-on, and the boys answered them eagerly. They were all so elated to have him back where he belonged, even if it was not apparent on the faces of all of them.

In truth, Todd was still nervous about being around Neil, especially when tonight would come, and they would be alone in their room together. In reality, Todd knew that this would change nothing. Things would be as they always were, Neil would rave about Keating’s lesson, Todd would agree that it was good, and then Neil would try to convince Todd to let him read something that he wrote. And some of the time, he would let him, some of the time he wouldn’t, and some of the time, Neil would read his work whether Todd liked it or not. Todd knew that this would still be the way that things were, and his feelings would not change a thing, but it still made him nervous.

The boys made plans to go out into the cave that night, a first official Dead Poet’s Society meeting since Neil’s return, and a welcome back party all in one. They parted ways after dinner to make the preparations. This meant Neil and Todd would return to their room alone, something Todd had not been looking forward to. He didn’t want to confront these feelings. He was scared of them. He sat on his bed and buried his face in his notebook when they returned in order to avoid looking at him.

“Are you going to read tonight?” Neil asked.

Todd didn’t look up, “I don’t know. Probably not.”

Neil sighed dramatically. Todd couldn’t help but smile a bit, it was clear that he hadn’t changed a bit.

“Would you please? Even if it’s just a little line of something you’re working on? For my sake, for my welcome home?”

Neil had walked over to him and pulled his notebook away from his face, forcing Todd to look at him. He felt a light pink blush creeping across his cheeks as he looked into Neil’s soulful, pleading eyes. How could he ever say no to those eyes?

“Fine. It’ll only be something small. I don’t have anything good or long ready.”

Neil beamed and jumped up in joy, “You’re the best, Todd, you really are.”

 

Later that night, they snuck out as planned, practiced, and without a hitch. They sang and jested as they made their way to their cave, their sanctuary, the place where boys became men, and High School students became world-renowned poets. A place where they were invincible. Here, they were contributing their verse to the powerful play. They gathered pipes to smoke, and food that they smuggled from the kitchens to eat. It wasn’t much, but it was all theirs, which made it a feast. For the first time in a long time, each boy felt whole and complete again.

Neil stood up and read the Henry David Thoreau poem that brought every meeting to a start. This time, however, it felt different somehow. The hearts of each of the boys swelled, they all felt so good, so happy. This felt like the first time for each and every one of them, it was a new start. For a little while after Neil read the poem, nobody spoke. They all just watched each other in content silence, each of them with a small smile on their face, but none of them really knowing what to say. It was Charlie who spoke up, at last.

“So, who wants to go first?”

So the boys recited poems from their textbooks and from their hearts, they spoke of wishes of youth, and love, and told tales of heartbreak and woe. They laughed together, and at some times, though they would never admit it out loud, they came close to tears. This was better than any of them could ever have imagined. The rustlings of their hearts and minds rose within them once more, after a short while of being dormant during Neil’s absence. It wasn’t good to have him back, as they said, it was amazing.

As the night drew to a close, Todd still hadn’t spoken, and he had almost hoped Neil had forgotten his promise to recite something short and small. But, of course, if there was one thing he knew, it was that Neil Perry forgets nothing. And soon, he was standing up in front of the boys, a large grin on his face.

“Men, lend me your ears. We have a special treat tonight, as our very own Todd Anderson has promised to read us something he’s working on.”

The boys all looked to each other with smiles. It really was a treat when Todd read, as he didn’t so so very often, never finding his words to be sufficient, nothing he wrote was ever good enough in his eyes, though his words were music to the ears of the other members. He stood up feebly and looked to the boys around him, speaking softly and timidly.

“It’s uh…more of a line than a poem, really….I-I told Neil I didn’t have anything prepares, b-but he insisted. So…uh…here goes, I guess…” He tried to avoid looking at the boys, seeing all of their eyes on him just made him nervous. He knew he had nothing to worry about, none of these boys would judge him for a single thing he said. He took a deep breath, picked a corner of the cave to look at, and spoke, letting the words overtake him.

“You are poetry personified, and I will recite you until the day I die.”

He looked down at his hands when he finished speaking and twisted his fingers nervously. Every voice in the room was silent, it was so quiet you could hear the wind whistling softly just outside the cave.

“Todd, that was beautiful, as always. You’ll have to share the complete and finished product with me when you’re done,” Neil said, smiling at the boy with awe.

Todd nodded and smiled briefly, a blush finding its way up his face. He hoped Neil would never know those words were about him.

They were finished for the night, and now had to complete the second hardest part of their night: sneaking back into Welton. But they managed it as they always did, quickly, quietly, and efficiently. And soon, they were all back in their rooms, in their beds, and no one outside of the society would be any the wiser to where they had spent the last hour and a half, and that was just the way they liked it.

Todd and Neil readied themselves for bed and gathered their things for classes in the morning. They shut off the light and crawled into their respective beds. Todd was about to fall asleep when he heard Neil whisper.

“Todd? You still awake?”

Todd sighed, “Yeah.”

“That really was nice tonight, at the meeting. I can’t wait until you write the whole thing.”

“I might just scrap it,” Todd muttered.

“Don’t you dare,” Neil said, a small chuckle escaping his lips. “Anyway, good night, Todd.”

“Good night, Neil.”

And so Todd Anderson drifted slowly into sleep, the thoughts he feared about Neil making their way into his dreams, where kissing the boy made his heart soar, and holding his hand was a regular occurrence. Where the cave was not just a place for poets, but for the two lovers to share words they could never dare to within the halls of Welton. And for a while, Todd felt good, for it all felt right.

But then he woke up the next morning, and reality hit him.


	2. Questions for Keating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keating gives an assignment Todd doesn't think he'll be able to complete, and has to ask him for guidance.

Neil woke Todd up the next morning for class. They were running a little bit behind, as both of them had neglected to set the alarm clock. They managed to get dressed quickly, despite the fact that Neil had taken to hitting Todd with his tie and laughing, goofing around even though Todd stressed that this was not the time for horseplay. Still, Todd couldn’t help but laugh and hit Neil when he wasn’t paying attention.

All of the boys didn’t really pay much mind to most of their classes. Of course, they paid careful attention for fear of falling behind and failing. They all knew Meeks was going to have to help them with Maths and Latin, he was more of their teacher in those subjects than their actual teachers. But there was one class that all of the boys never daydreamed during, a class that their eyes were always firmly glued to the front of the classroom. One class in particular that made their hearts bloom with excitement and joy.

This class, of course, was Keating’s.

Todd in particular loved this class because he credited Keating for, whether he knew it or not, giving him all of the things that made him happiest in the world. He showed him how to fall in love with words, how to shape them how he wanted. He taught Todd that words were the most dangerous weapons out there. He could make women swoon and grown men weep. He gave him the Dead Poets Society.

Today, Keating walked to the front of the classroom smiling, silently. When he got there, he stood there for a moment and looked over the class. When he spoke, every pair of eyes was on him, and every ear in the classroom was tuned in, as always.

“Love, boys. I’m sure you’ve all felt it in one form or another. For a girl, for your mother, for the way the sunlight feels on your skin in the summer. Love comes in more forms than romance. So tonight, I want you to write about something or someone you love. And remember that it doesn’t have to be romantic! Though if you want to write about that, I won’t stop you. In fact, I encourage you. But for those who will walk up to me after class and tell me you can’t do the assignment because you have never been in love, I call you a dirty rotten liar. You have felt love for something. Now, I want you to take a minute to think of things you’ve loved, anything, anything at all! Mr. Dalton! Something you have loved!”

“Women,” Charlie said. The class let out a collective groan. The boys of the Society just rolled their eyes with a knowing smile.

“Haven’t we all,” Keating replied, “Mr. Pitts!”

“My friends,” he answered. The Society smiled knowingly.

“Friends are the next best thing to family, aren’t they? Mr. Perry!”

“Acting,” he said with a large grin. Todd smiled in the seat next to him. Seeing him in A Midsummer Night’s dream had been such an amazing sight. He didn’t think he’d ever see anything like it again. It was clear that Neil was passionate about it, and he was glad that Neil had found the thing that made him happiest in life. Keating continued to go randomly around the classroom, asking the students about something they loved. Todd hoped that Keating wouldn’t call on him. If he did, he knew he would just say “poetry”, but he was afraid that when the time came, the wrong word would come out of his mouth. Luckily for him, he didn’t get the chance. The bell rang, and all of the boys gathered their things to move on to lunch. Todd was taking his time, he wanted to stay back and talk to Keating about the assignment. Neil placed a hand on his shoulder, making his heart jump.

“Hey, you coming?”

Todd shook his head, “Ah, in a bit. Don’t wait up, I just wanna ask Keating a couple of questions.”

Neil nodded with a smile, “Alright, see you there.”

Once everyone had left, he walked up to Keating shyly. He didn’t know where to begin, what to say. Luckily for him, Keating spoke first.

“Question about the assignment, Todd?”

Todd took a deep breath, “I don’t know what to write about.”

Keating sat on his desk, “Well, who or what do you love most in this world? Who or what makes your heart swell with joy?”

“I can’t write about that.”

“Well why not?”

Todd looked at his feet, his face flushing a light pink. “Because he’s in our class.”

Keating sat back, raising his eyebrows for a moment and nodding in understanding. “Ah, I see. That does make things more difficult for you. There’s still no reason you can’t write about this person. You don’t need to say names. All you need to do is convey how this person makes you feel.”

“He’ll figure out it’s about him.”

“And what’s the harm in that?”

Todd sputtered, “It’ll ruin everything! He’ll never talk to me again!”

“You don’t know that, Mr. Anderson. I can tell you for a fact that a while back, when I had you write a free poem for homework to be handed in, but not read aloud, there was a young man in this very class who wrote of love for another boy. I may never know who it’s about, but I could feel how this person felt. And that,” he said before standing, “Is what matters. Now I don’t know bout you, but I’m quite hungry, and we’re a bit late for lunch.”

Todd nodded, gathering his bag and walking out of the classroom. He felt nearly as lost now has he had been before. But he went to lunch regardless, sitting next to the other boys he spent his time with, taking his usual seat right next to Neil. He smiled and spoke when he sat down.

“Good, you’re here. I was just saying how we should all get together tonight in our room and work on Keating’s assignment together. It’ll be easier if we have each other around to help us think of things to say.”

“And by that, we mean we’re gonna need you for metaphors.” Charlie said with a grin. Meeks, who was sat next to him, smacked him lightly. Todd’s eyes grew wide, and he shook his head.

“Uh..I-I don’t think that’s a very good idea…”

“Why not?” Neil asked, scrunching his eyebrows and taking some food onto his plate.

Todd shrugged, avoiding his gaze and getting some food. “Y-You guys know I get nervous writing with you all around. I don’t want you guys reading it over my shoulder before it’s finished.”

Neil rolled his eyes with a smile, “We promise we won’t read it, okay? Come on, it’ll be fun. We promise.”

Todd sighed, he knew the boys were not going to budge on this, so he let it slide. “Alright, alright. We’ll meet up after classes are over.”

Neil beamed, “Great! This is going to be the best!”

When it was time for the boys to gather, they were sat in a circle in Neil and Todd’s room, Todd making sure to sit across the room for Neil, saving himself the risk that Neil would go back on his promise and read it, which Todd knew he was likely to do. Todd took out his notebook and began scribbling away silently. He couldn’t find the right words to describe what he wanted to say. Pitts, who was sat to his right, gave up nearly the second he tried to put pen to paper.

“I’m totally lost. I can’t think of anything to write.”

“Write about us,” Meeks said. “In class you said you loved us most of all.”

Gerard rolled his eyes, “Yeah, no duh. I just can’t…put the words to paper. You ever get that problem, Todd?”

Todd looked up from his notebook. He already had a sizable chunk of words written on the paper, but he didn’t like a single bit of it. Neil rolled his eyes from his bed.

“Please, Todd writes and the angels in heaven sing.”

He blushed, that was a hefty compliment. He shut his book for the moment, at a loss for words. “No, me too, Gerard. I can’t think of what I want to say either.”

“Well what are you writing about?”

Panic surfaced in his chest. He couldn’t tell them he was writing about Neil, no one could know about that. He decided not to lie, but to dance around the truth.

“Just….someone who had a big impact in my life.”

“Who?” Knox asked.

Todd shook his head, “That’s a secret.”

The rest of the boys brushed it off, but he knew Neil was going to ask more questions when the boys left. But so the poetry circle began, boys bouncing adjectives off of each other, sharing metaphors like candy. By dinner, each boy was satisfied with what they wrote, or as satisfied as some of them were going to get. They were still discussing ways to make their poems better at dinner, and some of them had completely edited entire stanzas by the time they were done eating. They were finally happy with them when they finished eating and went their separate ways.

When Todd and Neil went back to their room, Todd was trying to make an actual effort on the math homework due tomorrow, but of course, Neil wasn’t going to have any of it. The interrogation was about to begin, and Todd braced himself.

“So come on, Todd, who’s the poem about?”

“It’s not important,” he mumbled.

“Of course it’s important! This is the person you love most! I wanna know who it is!”

“I can’t tell you, Neil. It’s a secret for a reason. Just back off, okay?” He didn’t mean to snap at him, he also really couldn’t tell Neil that this poem was about him. Chances were, he would figure it out as it was. When Todd turned to him, he had a hurt expression on his face. Todd softened.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I just…can’t tell you. If you figure it out tomorrow, fine. But until then…it’s a secret.”

Neil simply smiled, “That sounds like a challenge.”


	3. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the boys to read their poems, and Neil finally learns Todd's big secret

Todd spent all day dreading when he would go to Keating’s class. His legs were shaking as he sat in all of his desks, and his hands were trembling as he tried to do his work, but all of it was for nothing. Neil and the other boys of the Society offered him smiles of encouragement. They were real nice about it, and Todd always liked having their support, but today was different. Today he would be sharing a poem about one of their own.

He couldn’t focus as the other boys in the class went up. He tried to pay attention when boys of the Society recited their poems, but his mind was clouded foggy with worry. His head perked up, though, when Neil stood up and made his way to the front of the classroom. He was an actor taking the stage, taking charge of his moment in the spotlight. Todd couldn’t help but smile meekly at him. He admired the confidence Neil had, and often dreamed that maybe someday, he could be half as great. Neil waited until the class was silent before he spoke.

“There’s a certain vigor bout standing on a stage

Eyes all on you.

The people want a show,

And you have to give it.

Your mind races, your heart soars….”

Acting. Todd relaxed, of course it was about acting. What else could it be about? He didn’t know what he had been expecting. He listened intently as Neil continued.

“…It’s exhilarating, liberating.

I am in love with it all.

But none of it,

Not a single second,

Could ever compare to you.”

Todd’s breath hitched in his chest. That had been a turn he wasn’t expecting. Neil Perry was in love with someone, someone he loved more than theater. Neil’s grin was wide and happy as he sat back down in his seat and Keating spoke.

“Well done, Neil. A great unexpected turn. Now who’s next? Any volunteers?”

Nobody did, so Keating picked an unwilling victim. Todd’s mind wandered as he tried to figure out just who Neil’s poem could have been bout. Was it someone from the play? Did Todd know them? His hands trembled, and his stomach tied itself in knots. He didn’t think he could stand if he tried, let alone speak.

“Mr. Anderson? Are you ready to bring this poetry slam to a close?”

Todd shook his head, but Mr. Keating was not having any of that. Instead, he dragged Todd to the front off the classroom. “Oh, of course you are. Just take a deep breath and let the words consume you. You love this thing more than anything, help us know why.”

Todd did as he was told. He stuffed his hands in his pockets to try and hide the fact that he was shaking. He couldn’t look at Neil, he couldn’t look at anyone in the Society. In the back of the classroom, Charlie was giving him a thumbs-up in the hopes to give him a confidence boost. It made Todd smile a bit, and slightly less nervous. He took a deep breath, looked at his feet, and began.

“I have written this poem twelve times already.

Perhaps this will be lucky number thirteen.

I have many words in my thesaurus mind

And my bookshelf heart

But none of them can describe you with justice.

I love you like I love breathing.

Or the feeling of the sun on my skin.

B-But even that isn’t enough.

I love you like a day that goes right

O-Or the tain in the fall.

I love you like the sun loves the moon.

 

Y-You are poetry personified

And I will recite you until the day I die.

Y-You dripped from my tongue

And slipped through my fingers once.

B-But now I will hold you tight

S-So that I never lose you again.”

The class was silent. Todd stole a glance at Neil, whose expression was that of pure ecstasy. The bell rang for lunch, and Todd gathered his things before rushing out of the room. His face was flushed bright red, his heart was palpitating at a thousand beats per minute as far as he figured. He couldn’t believe he said those things out loud, he wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground and never come out, he was mortified. He heard Neil calling after him, but he kept moving. He couldn’t bear to face him after what he had just said. He had his hand on the doorknob to their room when Neil caught his wrist.

“Todd! What happened? Why didn’t you stop when I called?”

Todd winced, “Y-You figured it out, didn’t you?”

Neil nodded and opened the door, “Yeah, I think so. Come on, let’s talk about it.”

Todd shook his head, “No, let’s just…forget it ever happened, okay?”

Neil smiled and shoved him into the dorm room, “No.”

Todd took a deep breath and stood by his ned. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to hear about how he didn’t feel the same way. He didn’t want to hear Neil tell him that he wanted to switch rooms because he didn’t feel comfortable around him anymore. But all of the worries clattering around his mind came to a sudden halt when Neil’s lips crashed haphazardly against his own. The kiss was brief, stolen, wild, and it sent a hurricane through Todd’s heart. Neil’s hands cupped his face and left Todd breathless when it was over and the two separated. Neil was grinning from ear to ear, and Todd couldn’t help but smile. The taller boy always had been one for theatrics.

“I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that, Todd, I feel so liberated!”

Todd couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. In no way had he ever fathomed that Neil could have ever felt the same. Neil took Todd’s hands in his, grinning madly. “I never would have dreamed that poem was about me until the final line, when you talked about nearly losing them forever, and then I knew. Todd, my poem was about you!”

Todd was overwhelmed with emotion. The thing Neil loved most was…him? He couldn’t believe it. The poet couldn’t find the words he needed, all he could manage was a shaky, “R-Really?”

And for a moment, the boy who never kept quiet, and the boy with a bookshelf heart had nothing to say. They simply smiled at each other in mutual awe and for once, it was Todd who broke the silence.

“So…what now?”

Neil shrugged, “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

Todd rolled his eyes. Of course Neil hadn’t thought about what to do now, he never really thought past the present.

“We can’t tell anyone,” Todd started.

“The Society probably figured it out after that masterpiece.”

“Okay, fine, but we can’t tell anyone else.”

“Why not?” Neil looked appalled.

“Hello? Earth to Neil? We go to Catholic school. Catholics don’t get along with people like us.

Neil nodded, understanding. A small smile crossed his face, “It’ll be like Romeo and Juliet, but with two boys.”

Todd shook his head, “No way, that means losing you again.”

Neil wrapped his arms around Todd’s waist and kissed him again. Once the initial shock wore off, his wrapped his arms around his neck and found himself kissing back. It was everything Todd hoped it would be and more. It was soft, it was sweet, it was a promise between the two that they would never have to say goodbye again. Neil rested his forehead against Todd’s when the kiss broke.

“It doesn’t matter who we tell or don’t tell,” Neil said, “This room, and the cave, they can be our secret places where we don’t have to hide. I love you, Todd Anderson. And I don’t want you to be afraid.”

Todd sighed happily, “I love you too, Neil.”

They were still holding each other that way when Charlie came by and leaned against the doorframe with a smirk, “You dorks missed lunch.”


	4. Secrets for the Society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys of the Dead Poet's Society figure out Todd and Neil's secret and have a meeting to discuss.

Neither boy complained about their growling stomachs for the rest of the day. They were both far too happy to feel hungry. Classes were spent stealing glances at each other, blushing, and glancing away. Neither of them learned a thing in any of their classes after lunch, but they didn’t care. They didn’t say anything officially to the other boys about their relationship status, but every member of the Society knew something was different in the way they would look at each other, act around each other. Charlie talked to the other in whispers when Todd and Neil weren’t around before dinner.

“I’m telling you, boys. They’re together.”

“Oh, shut up,” Knox said as they turned into the dining hall.

“I’m serious! When I caught them after lunch, they were holding each other, like they had just been kissing or something. And Todd’s poem about nearly losing someone and then holding them close? If you don’t think that was about Neil, then you’re crazy.”

“I could see it,” Meeks said, “The way Neil’s been looking at Todd? That look doesn’t say ‘Gee, I sure missed my roommate’.”

They sat down at the table and got ready to eat. Charlie smirked, “How long do you think it’ll be before they totally jump each other?”

The boys all let out a collective groan just as Neil and Todd came to join them at the table.

“What did Charlie say this time?” Neil asked with a smile as he sat down.”

“Nothin’, don’t worry about it,” Pitts said before taking a bite of food.

“I was just saying how we should have another meeting tonight. Seems everyone’s positively brimming with newfound emotion.” He winked at Todd, who blushed.

“I wouldn’t have anything original to read,” Neil said.

“Ah, don’t worry about it. Sometimes a look can say everything you need it to,” Charlie joked, pointing his fork at Neil. Todd was embarrassed as could be, and though Neil had a slight blush to his cheeks, Todd would see that he didn’t really mind much. No one brought up the obvious romantic tension, but they all smiled at each other, because Knox caught them holding hands under the table. And he smirked and looked at them, raising his eyebrows instead of asking the question. And Todd turned bright red as Neil laughed lightly. They all said they knew it from the start, and took turns teasing the lovers. They promised to meet at their usual time that night, and thanked God it was Friday, so they could sleep in tomorrow.

Todd tried to get some homework in before the meeting, but it was no use. Just when he would get particularly focused, Neil would move his notebook and kiss him, which would turn him red-faced and flustered, and make him have to start over again. He was in the middle of attempting to decode a math equation when Neil did it again.

“Oh quit it, will you?” Todd said, smiling, “I’m trying to get my work done.”

Neil sighed loudly, “I’m sorry, Todd. I just can’t help myself! I took a sip of the wine that is you, and now I want to get drunk off your kiss, I just can’t get enough.”

Todd rolled his eyes, “You’re such a drama queen.”

Neil made his way back to Todd and took the notebook out of his hands, tossing it haphazardly onto the desk next to the bed. He leaned closer to him so that their faces were mere centimeters apart. “What did you just call me?” He asked with a smirk.

Todd flushed, “A drama queen.”

Neil was grinning, “Those are fighting words, love.” He brought his lips to Todds, taking his sweet time with these kisses. They had been fleeting and rushed before, but no more. They had all the time in the world, as far as they figured. Todd smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Neil’s neck. Kissing him was easy now, he wasn’t shocked or afraid. Now he could just enjoy the feeling of Neil’s soft lips against his. The boys let the world melt away until nothing was left but the two of them. They were only interrupted when Knox opened the door and came into the room.

“Oh! Um…I’ll just…uh..leave, then…” Knox was bright red when the boys turned to face him. Todd was probably just as red as he was, if not more so. Neil, on the other hand, was all smiles.

“We’ll meet you guys out there in a second.”

Knox nodded and left the room, still red as could be. Neil was almost laughing as he stood up, holding his hand out to Todd. “Come on, love! It’s our first meeting as boyfriends!”

Boyfriends. That word sent Todd’s heart into a tizzy. This wasn’t something his parents would approve of. If they found out that he and Neil were anything more than friends…he didn’t want to know what would happen. But right now, he was going to the Society meeting with his…boyfriend, and he didn’t care at all. For the first time in a long time, he felt truly and purely happy. As the boys ran off into the woods, Todd was elated. He was holding Neil’s hand and running without a care in the world. They didn’t make an announcement, they didn’t have to utter a word about their status at all. Instead, they could just be. And for Todd, that was refreshing. Neil kissing him in front of the cave, clutching him tightly, as if afraid that if he let go, he might lose him forever. Todd could have laughed at how overdramatic he was being, but in the end, he didn’t really mind. He was excited, and to be fair, so was he.

Neil walked around the cave and recited the opening poem with a large grin on his face. When he finished speaking the last word, he sat down next to Todd and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Of course, it was Charlie who had to speak up and talk about the elephant in the cave.

“So, you two, huh?” He asked with a smirk, looking to Neil and Todd. Todd blushed and tried to hide his face, but Neil was grinning from ear to ear.

“It’s a Society Secret, boys, but yes.”

Pitts spoke next, “How did this happen? I have to say, I’m a bit surprised.”

“You’re blind, Pitts, I knew it since the first day of school,” Charlie said proudly.

For once, it was Todd that jumped in, “I guess neither of us thought the other felt the same. I never believed I could be this lucky.”

Neil smiled and kissed Todd on she cheek, “I fell head over heels after Keating made him improvise that poem on the spot. The one about the blanket that never quite covers you? I was smitten.”

Todd smiled and looked at his feet. He couldn’t believe that Neil had felt this way for so long, and he had never even the slightest clue. He supposed that life, that fate, they worked in strange ways.

“What about you, Todd? When did you fall for Neil?” Knox nudged Todd with his elbow, smiling.

Todd shrugged, “I guess since day one. I always kind of thought I did, but I knew it for sure after The Incident, when I thought I lost him for good.”

The boys all nodded, understanding. Neil held him closer, tighter, as if to assure him he wasn’t going anywhere. Everyone there, except perhaps Neil, knew how depressed Todd became after The Incident, how icy, how cold he became, how he isolated himself. Todd wasn’t sure he would ever completely forgive Neil for doing that to him, but he would try to.

“B-But come on, guys. We’re not here to mope about the past, we’re here for poetry, right?” Todd said with a small smile.

“He’s right, this is the Dead Poet’s Society, not the Todd And Neil’s Relationship Society,” Meeks replied with a small laugh.

And so the society meeting began with a bang, Charlie reciting a poem he found about a beautiful girl. Pitt’s poem about grief made them cry. They recited poems about happiness, about sorrow,about friendship. Neil brought the night to a close with a poem about finding light in life and never took his eyes off of Todd as he said it, which made Todd turn bright red.

They all snuck back into the school effortlessly, as always, Todd and Neil holding hands the whole way. The boys kissed each other absentmindedly as they prepared themselves for bed. Neil started out the night in his own bed, but migrated to Todd’s about halfway through the night, snuggling in close to Todd in the confines of the small bed. It was very difficult to fit them both in, Todd was practically pressed against the wall, and Neil was almost on top of him, but Todd didn’t question it, he simply made as much room as he could, and allowed himself to be with Neil.

“G’night, love you,” Neil mumbled sleepily.

Todd smiled and sighed lightly as he drifted back off to sleep, “Love you too, night.”


	5. In Which Everything Goes Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Valentines Day, and Todd and Neil are going to celebrate whether Todd likes it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short, I hit a bit of a roadblock when writing this one....

Days passed, which slowly morphed into weeks, and soon it was February. And February meant Valentines day, which meant there were boys whispering about girls they were going to ask to be their Valentines. Unless, of course, you were Neil and Todd.  


If you were Neil and Todd then the days leading up to Valentine’s day were met with stolen kisses when no one was looking, snuggling in the dorm room, in the cave. It meant swearing to each other that you were absolutely not giving gifts to each other. And of course, if you were Neil and Todd, you knew in your heart of hearts that the both of you were lying through your teeth.  


Which left Neil in Charlie Dalton’s room, twirling a pen in his fingers as he stood in the doorframe.  


“I just don’t know what to get him! It’s not like I have many options as it is. I just want this to be perfect!”  


Charlie rolled his eyes, “Calm down, Neil, whatever you decide, he’ll love, because it came from you, and he’s head over heels. You could get him literally nothing, and he would practically faint.”  


Neil sighed and put his pen in his pocket. “Even so. Do I go cliche? Do I write him a poem? Get him a flower? All of the above?”  


Charlie shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets. “It’s all up to you, Neil. Don’t stress about it too much, alright? Let’s go get some lunch, Todd will want to see you.”  


Neil nodded and followed Charlie out the room. He knew that it shouldn’t have been a big deal, anything would have been fine. But he desperately wanted it to be perfect, he wanted Todd to be happy. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be one Todd would remember for the rest of his life.  


They were the first ones at lunch for their group, despite having taken a particularly long time to get down there. Charlie knew that Neil wanted this to be good. Secretly, he was slightly jealous that Neil would have someone to call his own on this day. Charlie had a couple of girls himself that he flirted with passively, but none of them truly meant anything to him when it all came down to it. He supposed he would have to live vicariously through his friends this year. He tapped his finger on the table while pondering what the two could do. When he came down to it, he wasn’t very good at relationships. He could flirt, sure, but when things got serious, he panicked.  


Suddenly, Neil’s face brightened, “Charlie! I just got it! I’m gonna--” Neil kept quiet when he saw Todd approaching with the rest of the group. Todd sat next to Neil and intertwined their fingers with a small smile. This had become routine for them now, they were used to these little ways of hiding. Neil spoke about wanting to be open someday, but Todd just laughed and rolled his eyes. He could never imagine a world that accepted the two of them. It would have been nice, sure, he just couldn’t imagine it. He would have liked that, a future with Neil where he didn’t have to hide.  


Neil leaned over to Todd and whispered in his ear, sending shivers up Todd’s spine. “I know we said no gifts or surprises, but I have something nice planned for tomorrow night.”  


Todd sighed, he knew Neil was going to do something big and theatric and romantic, which was why he had been writing and re-writing a poem for him the entire month and having Knox read it over. Every revision, Knox said it was perfect, but Todd was never happy with it. He supposed he’d have to be happy with whatever was written tomorrow night.  


“Good,” Todd replied, “Because I’ve been writing you a poem.”  


****  


Being at an all-boys school, Valentines day didn’t leave the halls buzzing as much as they would have been if there were girls at the school. That didn’t stop Todd and Neil from stealing glances and kisses in the hallways between classes. It didn’t keep Todd from editing his poem the entire day during his classes instead of paying attention. Neil tapped his pencil on his desk and planned out how the night was going to go in his head.  


The Society left the two boys to their own devices for the most part, and the majority of their spare time was spent in their room, holding each other and talking. After dinner, when they had the rest of the night to themselves, Todd had a little surge of confidence and started asking questions.  


“So...what’s my surprise?” Todd asked, picking at lint on Neil’s green sweater.  


Neil smiled and kissed his nose, “You’ll find out later tonight, once everyone else is asleep.”  


Todd sighed, “Neil, we can’t stay out late, it’s Wednesday, we have classes tomorrow.”  


“Live a little, love. Valentine’s Day only comes once a year, and I want to treat you like a Prince. I want this to be a night you’ll remember always. Even if we don’t work out, and you get married to someone else someday, I want you to remember our first Valentine’s Day, and remember it as one of the best days ever.”  


Todd blushed and smiled. Todd normally didn’t like being fussed over, he didn’t mind taking care of himself or keeping to himself. But Neil made that hard for him, Neil wanted to treat him in a way that Todd didn’t feel he deserved. Todd was just a boring poet, and Neil was...well, Neil. He didn’t know he had ever gotten so lucky, but whatever he did to deserve Neil, he was glad he had done it.  


“Fine, fine. Drama queen as ever, I understand.”  


Neil simply responded by kissing him softly, wrapping his arms around Todds waist and holding him close. Todd couldn’t help but smile into the kiss and wrapped his arms around his neck. Neil smirked and moved his lips from Todd’s and started placing gentle kisses down his jawline. Todd’s breath hitched in his chest, this wasn’t something he was used to. The kisses on the lips he could handle, but whenever his lips wandered, Todd found himself in knots. His head was fogged, he couldn’t form coherent thoughts as Neil’s lips left soft kisses on his neck. He struggled to keep himself in check.  


Neil smiled against his neck and whispered softly, “Time to go, sweetheart. Are you ready?”  


Todd breathed in deeply and let his lungs fill with air. He hated when Neil teased him like this, but he supposed they were both being cautious. Neither one of them wanted to do anything without knowing for sure that the other person wanted to do it do, and they were both just a little bit too scared to ask. He nodded and stood up, trying to clear his head again. Neil was all smiles as he followed suit. He took Todd’s hand and lead him to the door.  


“Come on, love. We just have to pick something up in Meeks’ room.”  


Todd wondered what could possibly be in Meeks’ room that would have anything to do with Neil’s surprise, but he didn’t ask questions. Instead, he grabbed the notebook that contained the poem he had written and followed Neil out the door as quietly as he could. He wasn’t as good at sneaking around as the other boys, but he did his best. They went next door quickly, and Neil walked into Meeks’ room as if he owned the place. Meeks met them with a backpack and a smile. Todd was still confused as could be, but kept his mouth shut.  


“Go get ‘em, tiger,” Meeks whispered to Neil with a wink.  


Neil smiled and saluted Meeks before walking back out and leading Todd out of the school. Neil lead him into the woods, smiling all the way. He wouldn’t tell Todd where they were going, but Todd didn’t care. He finally put the pieces together when they found a nice patch of grass in the trees, where, if you were laying down, you could see the stars perfectly.  


“Neil,” Todd breathed with a smile.  


The taller boy smiled back and took a blanket out of the backpack and spread it on the ground. Next, he pulled out a bottle of red wine.  


Todd’s jaw dropped, “Where on Earth did you get that?”  


Neil smirked, “Nicked it from the kitchen. They have tons of wine, they won’t miss one bottle. And besides, there’s no proof I took it.”  


Todd sighed, “You’re impossible.”  


Neil just sat down on the blanket and pat the spot next to him for Todd to sit down. Todd complied and sat next to Neil, allowing him to wrap an arm around his shoulders once he opened the bottle. He took a sip of the wine and held the bottle out to him.  


“I wish I had glasses, but I didn’t think I could sneak them out as easily, or carry them in the backpack without them breaking. I know this isn’t exactly very romantic but--”  


Todd took the wine from him, “Shut up, it’s perfect.” He didn’t love the taste of wine as much as he wanted to, but he liked it enough. Neil seemed to like it more than he did. They passed the bottle back and forth between them for a while, and made it through half of the bottle by the end of the night. Neither of them could hold their liquor well, and they were quickly getting tipsy off the wine and kisses. Neil started making up names for the constellations, which made Todd laugh. It was a perfect night, out in the cold February darkness, just enjoying each other’s company. For a while, the two of them forgot bout anything past that moment in time. They didn’t worry about getting up for classes the next day, or how they would have to go back to hiding when the sun came up. In that moment, all that mattered was that they had each other. They were laying down, and watching the stars, and time stood still.  


Neil turned to Todd, “Do I get to hear my poem now?”  


Todd had almost forgotten. He nodded and sat up, picking the notebook up from off the floor. He flipped to the page for Neil’s poem smiled at him before he began.  


“This is a poem about love.  


About two people who beat the odds.  


This is a poem about you and I.  


And how I love the way your name tastes like coffee on my lips.  


This is a poem for two dreamers who fell too fast,  


But were never afraid to crash.  


This is a poem about a poet and his muse,  


How I feel wrapped up warmly in your smile.  


And this is a poem about love.”  


Neil was silent for a moment, sat up, propped up by his elbows. He looked at Todd as if he was surrounded by a magical light he couldn’t quite comprehend. He smiled and let out a deep sigh. “I love you, Todd Anderson.” His words were slightly slurred, but Todd knew he meant it.  


Todd leaned down to kiss him. His lips tasted like wine and chapstick. “I love you too. More than anything.”  


They had a slightly more difficult time sneaking back into the school, as they were both a little drunk, and a little louder than they wanted to be, but they still made it in without a hitch. They didn’t bother changing their clothes that night. Todd crawled into bed and thought they were going to call it a night, but soon he heard the creaking of Neil’s bed. When he sat up to see what was going on, he saw that Neil was pushing his bed across the room so that he could put it next to Todd’s.  


He giggled lightly, “Neil...Neil what are you doing?”  


“Shhh,” he whispered as he got their beds as close as he could. “I don’t wanna be apart from you.”  


Todd decided it was better to just go with it and not argue. “Just keep it down, love. We don’t want to get in trouble.”  


“Aw, screw them,” he said before crawling into bed.  


Todd wanted to laugh at him a little bit. He found it funny, the way the two of them were acting. He didn’t want to think about tomorrow, and how neither of them would be able to get anything done due to impending hangovers and sleep deprivation. That was alright, though, because Neil had gotten just what he wanted: to give Todd a night he would never forget as long as he would live.


	6. We All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things begin to go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew the other shoe had to drop eventually. And thanks a million to AO3 user tpringing for being a fantastic beta, and friend :)

Todd was trying to think about what he could possibly have done wrong when he was called into the Headmaster’s office the next day. It was during Keating’s class, too, which just put the icing on the cake. Neil offered him a look of encouragement, “It’s probably because of a poem you wrote or something.” Neil didn’t sound sure, but Todd appreciated his boyfriend trying to keep him in high spirit. Todd’s heart was racing. Had someone caught the two of them sneaking out last night? Was this about the wine? Was it about the fact that Charlie had an affinity for sneaking cigarettes into the school? His heart was pounding the entire way to Nolan’s office, and he feared that it might be audible when he sat down in front of the man.

The old man folded his hands and rest them on his desk. There was no kindness in his eyes, only a cold look that chilled Todd to the core.  
“I assume that you know why I called you down here today, Mr. Anderson?”  
Todd shook his head and spoke, his voice shaky, “P-Pardon me, Mr. Nolan, b-but I’m afraid I don’t.”  
Mr. Nolan sat back in his seat, annoyed that Todd didn’t know what was happening. “One of your peers came to me with...concerns about you and Mr. Perry. He feared that you two might be having...relations.” Todd could tell that the mere thought of two boys being in a relationship pained him. Todd felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. They know.  


“I--I can assure you, Mr. Nolan, Neil and I are just friends and roommates. I would n-never even consider committing such a...a sin.” He cringed inwardly as he processed what he was saying. He wanted to get up and shout at Mr. Nolan, ask him what the hell he knew about love, but he didn’t. Instead, he chewed on the inside of his cheek and thanked God that he had gotten a bit better at lying. Mr. Nolan seemed satisfied.  


“I figured as much. Students can be paranoid, you see, and I have to check on their suspicions, as Headmaster. However, you do know that if you and Mr. Perry were...involved, I wouldn’t be able to keep either of you in this school? Homosexuality is a dirty sin that I cannot have tainting my halls.”  


Todd’s hands were clenched into fists in his lap, but he nodded, “Of course, Mr. Nolan, I completely understand.”  


Mr. Nolan nodded in response. “Wonderful. You’re free to go, Mr. Anderson. I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me.”  


He nodded and stood up, trying his best to make it look as if he wasn’t rushing out of the room. It was lunch time by now, but Todd had suddenly lost his appetite. Instead of going to lunch with the rest, he went back to his room. Neil had already left to eat, so he was all alone in their dorm. He sat on his bed and held his knees close to his chest, lost in thought.  


What am I going to do? I have to tell Neil, but what are we going to do about it? He’s so stubborn, he’s not going to want to change anything about what we’re doing. But if the rumors keep going around, they’ll kick one or both of us out, and I don’t want to have to explain to my mother and father that I got kicked out of Welton because I liked kissing my roommate when I thought no one was looking. But I’m so happy with him, I don’t want this to stop. God, what am I even going to say to him? ‘Hey Neil, I know we only just started doing this, and it’s really great and all, but we have to kind of hold off on the little PDA we’ve been doing so we can keep going to this school neither of us even like’? God, I hate this. I hate being gay. I hate being in love with Neil. I hate having to hide. I hate knowing everyone will hate me if they find out.  


He started to cry in frustration. He was at a loss. The only person he could go to for advice was half of the problem at hand, and words were failing him. He spent the rest of lunch wondering what he was going to say to Neil when he came back here to get his bag to go to his next class, which, knowing Neil, was not going to be long from now. He was cursing himself, cursing Neil, cursing Mr. Nolan, cursing God, cursing anyone that came to mind. He was normally very good at problem solving, but in that moment, he was clueless, angry, and sad.  


Neil came in the room to see him sobbing, his knees curled up to his chest. The smile on his face quickly faded as he shut the door and rushed to his boyfriend. “Todd? Todd, baby, love, sweetheart, what happened? Is this about Nolan? What on Earth did he call you down for?” He wrapped his arms around Todd and rubbed his back.  


“They know,” he choked out in between sobs, “They know about us. A-And they’ll kick us both out if we keep at this where people can see. I-I denied it, but I d-don’t think he bought it.”  


Neil’s face went stony, and he stiffened. He stopped rubbing Todd’s back. “You...denied it?”  


Todd wiped his eyes, “What was I supposed to do? He said he would expel the both of us.”  


Neil shook his head and stood up, running a hand through his hair as he paced back and forth across their tiny room. “I don’t know! Stand up for yourself for once, stand up for us! 

Todd was taken aback. “What, are you saying you would have told the truth to Nolan if you were in my place? Gotten us both expelled? What would you tell your father? He pulled you out of this school because you did a play --- imagine what he would say if he found out you got expelled for being gay!”  


Neil froze, and looked over to Todd with an expression of utter horror on his face. Todd knew he had gone too far, touched too close to home. Why had he said that? He took the thing that he knew would hurt Neil most and used it against him. He regretted the words the second they came out of his mouth.  


“N-Neil, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have--”  


“You’re right,” Neil snapped, “You shouldn’t have! Why the hell would you bring that up?”  


“I didn’t mean...I wasn’t thinking.”  


“No shit you weren’t thinking!” Neil was turning red. It was clear that he was trying to hold in his anger.  


“Neil...I can’t get expelled. My family....I don’t know what they’d do. I don’t know what I’d do.”  


“Why is this school so important to you? Because your brother was valedictorian? If we both left, we could finally be free. We wouldn’t have to hide anymore! Isn’t that what you want?”  


Suddenly, Todd wasn’t so sure. Truth be told, he was scared out of his mind. Scared of what other people would think, of what his mother would say, about how his brother would react. He had never really thought about life outside of Welton before. This place was like a world of its own. Here, he didn’t have to think about college, getting a job, living on his own, or much other than trying to pass these near-impossible courses. Welton was a bubble of false security, and he was frightened to leave it.  
Todd’s silence was answer enough for Neil. He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and leaving Todd to cry by himself in their room. Neil was as impulsive as they come, once he got an idea into his head, he wouldn’t rest until he achieved it. And now, on top of that, he was angry. And Todd feared what he would do, and what it would mean for the two of them. 

***  
Neil cut class that day for the first time ever. He didn’t care that he would get into trouble, he knew that someone would cover for him, probably Charlie, because everyone in the Society knew that he would never cut class for just anything. Neil needed to clear his head. Nothing made sense to him, and he hated it. But mostly, he hated the situation he was in. He hated that he couldn’t show Todd off to the world, because he would be exiled, he would be hated. People would despise the two of them, when all they did wrong was fall in love.  


He took a walk out in the cold of the courtyard. He didn’t care about getting caught. He didn’t really care about much at that moment. He had his first fight with Todd as boyfriends. And he didn’t know where they were going to go from there. He was worried Todd would break up with him because he was scared. He was worried that he might have to break up with Todd just to save both of their skins. He was worried he would have to move out of their room and switch with someone else so that he wouldn’t be tempted.  


As much as he wanted to blow their cover and be done with it, as much as he wanted to tell Todd that it would all be worth it in the end, he knew he couldn’t. Other people’s opinions of him were something Todd cared about . He knew Todd wanted to stay in this school to keep up appearances, even if he didn’t like it here all that much. He needed to live up to the expectations people had of him, and that was part of what Neil admired about him. He worked so hard on everything he did, and it would be selfish to take that away from him just so that he could be happy. He knew Todd was going to shine in whatever he did when he left Welton, even if it might be without him.  
As he walked back into the school with his hands stuffed into his pockets, Neil knew what he had to do.


	7. Purgatory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always consequences and aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking an eternity to update! Blame it on school. But to make up for it, I'll have another chapter posted tomorrow once I edit it based on my lovely beta's suggestions.
> 
> Thanks for being patient with me!

Todd didn’t see Neil again until that night. The two of them were silent for a while as they stood in their dorm room. They stole glances at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, and quickly looked away when they got caught. Neither of them wanted to speak first. They both knew what the other boy was going to say, and they didn’t want to put the words out there, because that would make them real. The last thing they wanted was for those words to be real. But still, as per usual, it would be Neil who stepped up and spoke.  


“I think we need to break up, Todd.”  


Todd took a shaky breath in, “I know.”  


“At least until the summer.”  


“Yeah.”  


“Charlie and I can switch beds. So it’ll be easier.”  


“Okay.”  


“No Dead Poets for a while.”  


“Sure.”  


“Todd, please say something. I deserve more than one syllable.”  


“I could have loved you forever,” he said, looking at the ground. If he looked up at Neil, he thought he might shatter into a million pieces. This was happening. The two of them had hardly been dating a month, and now they were splitting up. He wanted to place blame somewhere, anywhere, but the only person he could really find to put the blame on was himself. He should have known better, should have hidden better, should have kept his mouth shut. Should have done a lot of things he didn’t do.  


Neil kissed his forehead before walking away. He smiled at him sadly from the doorway, "I could have let you. He left then, leaving Todd to sit in bed and crumble. He thought he had been done crying, but somehow he had more tears to cry. This wasn’t the loud, angry crying he had done earlier. He was somehow past that now. This was a quiet, grieving quiet. He supposed God was punishing him, in the end. He knew in the back of his mind that it was wrong to be gay, and he had tried to pursue a relationship with Neil anyway. And he thought he would get away with it.  


About half an hour later, Charlie came in the room and sat on Neil’s--rather, his bed. Todd forced himself to stop crying, he didn’t want to look any more lame than he already did in front of him. Todd twisted his fingers, avoiding Charlie’s gaze. He didn’t know what to say, what could be said to help make sense of this whole thing to the other boy, but Charlie took charge of the conversation.  


“You know you’re both being ridiculous.”  


Todd was taken aback, he pursed his lips and looked up to him. What did Charlie know about this situation? He didn’t understand.  
“Hear me out, okay Todd? You two have been smooth sailing for like a month now. And Nolan comes around and fucks things up a bit but so what? Couples fight, it happens all the time. For a writer, your communication skills are way off, Todd. You two don’t need to break up, you need to talk.”  


Todd shook his head, “You don’t get it, Charlie. It’s...it’s much bigger than that. It’s--”  


“I know, I know. If Nolan finds out, he’ll sack the two of you. So? He never needs to find out. This is like a bad Soap Opera right now, or the punch-line of a bad joke. Like ‘What happens when you take a Poet and and Actor and put them in a relationship? The biggest drama of the century.’”  


Todd glared at Charlie. He couldn’t believe that he had the audacity to mock the situation like this. Normally his comic relief was welcome, but he was crossing boundaries, and normally he knew better than that. Charlie put his hands up defensively and took that as his cue to shut his mouth for a while, which Todd was grateful for. He stood up and looked for his notebook. He needed to sort out is thoughts and emotions, and the only way he could think of to do that was through words. He had found throughout this year, with all of its problems and tragedy, that words remedied all of his hurts.  


Charlie was silent for about an hour as Todd wrote. He wrote and re-wrote the same poem about betrayal six different times. He couldn’t find the right words to describe how he was feeling. He always had a hard time writing poems about Neil. Words never seemed to capture him correctly, no matter what sort of light they were painting him in. Words never came easily to him when it came to Neil Perry. So after an hour of fighting with words, he threw his notebook down to the ground and buried his face in his hands. Charlie looked over to him, his eyes full of concern and pity. He sighed and looked up to the ceiling.  


“You know, you’ve taught me a valuable lesson, Todd.”  


Todd looked over to him, a bit confused, “What lesson is that?”  


Charlie smirked and turned back to Todd, running a hand through his head, “Never fall in love, there’s way too much to lose. I like it better alone anyway, alone is fun, alone is safe. Love? Love isn’t safe. Too much risk involved. I mean, look at you and Neil. I seriously thought that was going to last forever. You two were like...puzzle pieces. And even that fell apart.” He shook his head, “Nah...I don’t think I’m ever going to fall in love. I’ll just keep running. Worked for me so far.”  


There was a moment of heavy silence between the boys before Todd could figure out what to say. “It’s worth it,” He looked down at his feet, “All of it. The hurt, the heartache, the crying, it’s worth all the good parts. It’s worth all the good memories.” He meant what he said, which surprised him a little bit. He hated the sinking feeling in his chest, but if he had to choose between that feeling having kissed Neil Perry, or to have it go away without those memories, then he would choose Neil every time.  


Charlie smiled. That was the answer he seemed to have wanted. “He’ll get over himself, you know. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but he will. You’re both over-reacting, and just need time to settle down some.”  


Todd didn’t appreciate being told that he was over-reacting. In his eyes, it was Neil who was doing the over-reacting, not him. But he nodded, and kept quiet for a little while longer before getting ready for bed. He hoped that everything would be better when he woke up in the morning. Maybe when he woke up in the morning, Neil would be laying next to him, and he would realize this had all been a dream. He would tell Neil about the awful dream he had of them breaking up, and Neil would shake his head and tell him that could never happen. And he could kiss his forehead and Todd would smile and shake his head because Neil was right, of course.  


Todd took a deep breath. Thinking like this wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy for him. If he kept at this, he would go into a downward spiral, and he couldn’t do that. He had to keep up with his grades, and he needed to focus to get good grades, or his parents would know something was wrong. And if his parents asked him why his grades dropped that semester, he didn’t think he would be able to come up with a good enough lie to tell them. He told himself that from now on, he was going to take everything day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if he had to. He could get through this, get good grades, keep up his appearances.  


“Can I have a cigarette?” Todd asked after a while. He didn’t normally smoke when the group did, except for on occasion. But in that moment, Todd had a strong desire for self-destruction.  


Charlie knew this, because he raised his eyebrows, “Really?”  


“Come on, I know you have some. Just one.”  


Reluctantly, Charlie took his pack out of his pocket, lit one of the cigarettes and passed it to Todd, who nodded a thank you before taking a long drag. Charlie opened a window to combat the smell of the smoke, and that night, Todd Anderson smoked himself into a tizzy of coughs and fell asleep having smoked three cigarettes and run out of breath and hope.


	8. Society in Splinters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The society finds themselves fallen apart after Neil and Todd split, and wonder if they can ever come back together at all. Keating tries to offer Neil some advice, and Todd writes a poem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowowow I'm SO sorry this is so late! My laptop broke and the only reason I can get this uploaded now is because I'm borrowing my moms laptop before I go to my friends graduation. I promise now that summer's here I'll try to post more often.
> 
> That being said.....
> 
> Only two chapters to go....

Two weeks after what the rest of the society took to calling “The Event: Part Two”, they found that they had taken sides. Meeks and Pitts felt that Todd was right, Neil was acting overdramatic and ridiculous. (Meeks had said once that Neil was on his “man period”.) However, Knox and Charlie found that they thought Todd was in the wrong here. He should have stood up for his love and taken the consequences. Because of all of this, the society was separated. They no longer sat together at meals, they didn’t look at each other during class. It was warfare between friends, and it broke all of their hearts.  


It was coming on March at Welton, which meant a lot of lazing around and staring out the windows at the Vermont snow. Todd wished the relentless blizzards would stop and the weather would warm again. He missed being able to sit outside and read, or write poetry. Even so, he had completely lost his muse for writing. Every time he sat down with his notebook and tried to write, he simply couldn’t find the words he wanted. He figured maybe he could write a hate-filled poem, or something about lost love; whether or not it was worth all the trouble. But all he ended up with was many torn out pages and crossed-out words. He just wanted the school year to pass quickly so he could spend the summer forgetting Neil Perry ever existed.  


It was so hard, seeing him every day. They would share glances accidentally during class, and every time it happened, Todd felt his heart shattering in his chest. It felt like it was going to explode, and he felt like he was going mad because of it. He wondered why they called it heartbreak, it felt like everything else was hurting too. His head hurt from thinking too much, his fingers ached from trying to get his thoughts out onto paper, his eyes hurt from crying. He just wanted the pain to stop. He wondered if Neil felt the same way. He wondered if Neil was going through half of what he was, or if he was unaffected. He didn’t look very bothered, from what Todd saw, but the boy was an enigma, you could never be sure about him.  


Although each of the boys in the society prided themselves on being fantastic secret-keepers, very few of them were good liars. It was becoming increasingly hard for them to put on a happy face during the school day when they were forced to interact. It wasn’t easy to enjoy their favorite class when they couldn’t enjoy it together. Keating, as perceptive as ever, noticed very quickly the change in tone between the group of friends, and he was determined to get to the bottom of the problem, and help the boys fix it. After the end of a particularly riveting lesson on Macbeth, he called Neil to stay after class for a moment to chat. He gestured to the desk just in front of his own and sat down, folding his hands on top of his desk, and gave Neil a worried look.  


“What happened, Neil?”  


Neil avoided his gaze, “Nothing, Mr. Keating.”  


Keating sighed, “Neil, for such a fantastic actor, you are a terrible liar. The quicker you tell me what happened between you and your boys, the quicker you can go eat lunch.” 

Though he said it with a smile, his voice was bathed in concern for the boys he had grown to care about through the year.  


Neil knew he had been defeated, and there was no use lying to Keating. Instead, he took a deep breath and told him the story from the beginning, from the first day of school. Immediately, Keating understood what happened. He wanted to curse Mr. Nolan for making these boys feel like prisoners in their own bodies, for making them feel like their existence was a sin. There was nothing he could do on that end. But he could help this part; he could help Neil and Todd reconcile. He could bring the friends back together, or he could try.  


“You’re both acting very silly, Neil. Clearly you and Todd care very much about each other, which explains Todd’s actions. I can see why you’d be upset about it, but you have to see things through his eyes. Though you were practically attached at the hip, you aren’t the same person. Todd has a different mindset than you, with different ideals, different worries. I’m more than certain that if you talk it out, you’ll see everything will work out fine.”  


Neil shook his head stubbornly. Keating had hoped perhaps this would be easy, but it was clear now that Neil was going to stick to his original thoughts.  
“What are you afraid of, Neil? Are you afraid that he won’t take you back? Are you afraid he resents you for what happened? Because I can assure you, he will, and he doesn’t.”  


He shook his head again. If he were honest, Neil wouldn’t be able to put into words what he was afraid of. Yes, it was what Keating had said, but it was also so much more than that. But what it was, he couldn’t say. His fears were so beyond rationale that he couldn’t place what it actually was that frightened him so. He would have told Keating if he knew what was going on in his head, but his thoughts were a jumbled mess.  


“I...I don’t know, Mr. Keating. I’m afraid of it all. Everything that could possibly go wrong if I try to talk to Todd, I’m petrified of. It’s...it’s better if he forgets about me, moves on, falls in love with someone else.”  


“Your theatrics are coming through again, Mr. Perry. Why do you think that’s the only option? Why do you think that this can’t end happily for the two of you? There is always another way, even when you think there isn’t. You just have to try, that’s all. It’s really not as hard as you’re making it out to be.”  


Neil chewed on the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. Perhaps Keating was right, perhaps he could work things out with Todd. Maybe for once there was such a thing as happily ever after. “I wouldn’t even know how to start, what to say. How do I begin to say I’m sorry for everything that I did to him? But also...I don’t think what I did was all that wrong. If he really wanted to stay with me, he would have told me so in the first place, he would have fought my stupidity.”  


Keating raised his eyebrows, “Neil, does Todd really seem like the fighting type to you? You clearly know him better than I do, but from what I’ve seen, Todd seems too frightened to fight to even consider trying. You have to be patient with him. Not all of us are as brave as you.”  


Neil nodded; he understood what Keating was saying, but he was still scared. “With all due respect, Mr. Keating, I have to say we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m quite hungry.” He stood up and gathered his things before leaving the classroom. When he was gone, Keating sighed and ran a hand through his greying hair, which he felt grew a little more grey after dealing with teenagers. He was upset that he couldn’t get through to Neil, but what upset him more was what this meant for the small group of friends. He hated to see them all torn apart by something so trivial, so easily fixed. Still, there was nothing he could do about it now. He had done all that he could. He thought about trying to speak to Todd the next day, but he decided against it. He knew Todd was much too shy to reveal all of his secrets to him, which he supposed was fine. 

***  
Todd couldn’t focus on Macbeth that night. It was a wonderful play, and he was enjoying it greatly, but no matter how hard he tried, the words wouldn’t sink into his mind. He couldn’t make sense of anything he was reading, even though most of the time he could translate it perfectly. He read lines five times over, and they still looked completely foreign to him. He was growing frustrated with himself for being so unfocused. He closed his book and took a deep breath before setting it aside. He took his little poetry notebook in his lap and grabbed a pen from his desk. After spending an hour or so trying to find his voice, he managed to scrawl a little poem for the first time since his falling out with Neil.

I wrote a poem about you.  
I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help myself.  
It started out as something else  
But when my pen hit the paper all that I could articulate was you  
And the timbre of your voice  
And how it lulls me to sleep each night  
And your deep brown eyes that make me forget my troubles  
And you.

You make me a paradox.  
Somewhere between anxious and at ease  
Between confident and insecure  
Between a rock and a place I never asked to be  
And you. 

I don’t know what it was about you that drew me in.  
Maybe it was the way you talked about poetry.  
I always have been a sucker for words.  
I have a bookshelf for a heart  
Where I keep all the people  
That have contributed even a sentence to my story.  
And I have ink running through my veins  
Out my fingertips onto the paper  
So that I can write poetry about you.

He was tearing up as he wrote the last line. He needed to clear things up with Neil, he knew that now. If anything, he needed closure. A last kiss, a harsh enough word to make Todd hate him, anything to make this hollow in-between stop. He simply didn’t know how. He didn’t know if Neil would even talk to him if he tried, or if he would ignore him and leave him feeling empty.  
He placed the notebook and pen on his desk and tried his hardest to get some sleep.


	9. The Healing Qualities of Tea and Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tea is the best emotional medication Todd can think of. Meeks, Pitts, and himself sit down and chat over tea and Todd begins to realize that it isn't too late to fix things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO UPDATE I KNOW IM AWFUL FEEL FREE TO THROW ALL VIRTUAL TOMATOES AT ME. I had to sneaky borrow my moms laptop to post this. Chances are you've probably already read this on my tumblr since I posted it on mobile, but if this is how you're getting PP, here's the second to final chapter!

Weekends at Welton can be dreary and boring, especially in the dead of winter. Todd, Meeks, and Pitts were not going to accept this fact. They got some tea from Mr. Keating, who was always willing to spare a hot beverage for the cold boys and went back to Pitts’ room. They sat around and talked about little things. It was nice to let go and not have a care in the world, to just look out at the slowly falling snow and have a talk with good friends. They talked about lessons and how quickly time was going by. It was true. it felt like he had just moved in here yesterday, and soon they would be preparing for finals. It felt weird to him to know that soon he would be leaving for the summer, and he wouldn’t see his close friends for months.  


“I’m going to miss you guys,” Todd mumbled as he ran his thumb against the styrofoam cup in his hands.  


Pitts nodded, “I already miss you guys. The whole group, I mean. I miss the Dead Poets Society.”  


The three boys had a silent agreement on that. Todd looked down into the warm cup of tea and sighed. Todd’s heart hurt every time he thought about how the society used to be. It used to be so good. For the first time in a long time, Todd had felt like he had a family. Now that family was broken and it was up to him or Neil to fix it, but Todd couldn’t muster the energy.  


“I still can’t believe Neil is being such a jerk about this. I would have done the same in your shoes. He can be so dramatic sometimes, he’s always been that way.”  


Pitts nodded, “He had a diva fit, and now he should be the bigger man and apologize.”  


Todd cringed, “He’s not a diva. I...I understand why he said what he did. Looking back on it now, I almost agree. I mean...not quite to his extent. But I should have handled things differently. He’s not the only one at fault here. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.”  


“Yeah but he still shouldn’t have been so hard on you,” Meeks interjected.  


Todd shrugged, “Maybe so. But you’re making it sound like he’s the villain here, and he’s not...he’s really not.” He took a deep sip of the tea he was drinking, hoping it would clear his thoughts. It helped him relax a bit, but he still felt this dull ache of longing in his chest. It hadn’t left since the day he and Neil split. He felt like there was a cinder block sitting on his chest, compressing him down so that he couldn’t breathe.  


Meeks looked to him sadly, “You still love him, don’t you?”  


Todd took a deep breath, “Of course I still love him. He...he made things easier. It was like I had never really had my eyes open before and then I met him, and I could actually see. He was my muse. Every writer has one, and he was mine. Now my poetry blows because the one thing I could write about with ease has left me. He was my fire, and now it’s like...all I have is a candle. I dunno. I can’t really explain it.”  


“Sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job to me,” Pitts said with a smirk, “Why don’t you tell him that?”  


Todd shook his head, “No...no he seems pretty done with me. I’m sure he’s moved on. He’s Neil Perry, for god’s sake. He could get any guy or girl he wanted. He wouldn’t waste his time with me a second time. Or at least, he shouldn’t.”  


Meeks rolled his eyes, “I think Neil’s dramatic rubbed off on you during some of those kisses. Seriously, both of you need to calm down. You realize all of your problems would be fixed if you two, you know, talked to each other? You’re both kind of acting like pouty little girls.”  


Pitts laughed into his tea, “You know, he’s kind of right. Why don’t you go talk to him? He’ll probably be so impressed that you’re being the dominant one that he’ll probably drop to his knees right then and there and beg for you back.”  


“Yeah, that sounds likely,” Todd scoffed. Still, he knew his friends were right, as they so often were. He needed to go talk to Neil. This was ridiculous, and he knew it. He needed to sort things out with Neil, even if that didn’t mean them getting back together, at least it would mean closure. He took a deep breath, “No, you know what? You’re right. I’ll go find him now. He’s probably still in his room, yeah?”  


The boys nodded and Todd took another long sip of his tea before heading off.

***

Todd didn’t knock before going into Neil’s room. He was alone, reading through a book of poetry. Neil jumped back in surprise when Todd came in, shutting the book and setting it down beside him. Todd took a deep breath.  


“Neil, we have to talk.”  


“No, Todd, I don’t want to--”  


“No, no! Listen to me, please! J-Just listen!” Todd waited for Neil to settle a bit before he continued speaking. “T-this is stupid...and love...love isn’t easy. I-If it was meant to be easy, everyone would have it. B-but they don’t. Because love is cold, a-and its broken, and its hard, Neil, it’s so hard to be in love. But you know what? It’s worth every second. Feeling w-what I feel for you is like the worst kind of pain, but I want to feel it over and over again. Being with you, Neil, it’s like feeling something, and when you’re gone, I’m empty. You keep telling me I n-need to be brave, Neil. And I’m t-trying so hard to be, it’s so much easier to be b-brave with you. I-I want to keep loving you as long as you’ll let me. W-will you just...let me?”  


Neil grinned and got up quickly from his seat, moving fast across the room so that he could wrap his arms around Todd’s neck and give him a strong kiss on the lips. Neil tasted like longing and Earl Gray tea. Todd didn’t think any kiss from Neil could send him into a wild whirlwind like the first kiss did, but this was so much more than that. This kiss was them saying everything they couldn’t put into words. This kiss was “I love you”, “I missed you”, and “I forgive you” all without saying anything at all. This kiss was handsy, gripping at each other as if they were afraid that if they let go, they might lose the other forever. This kiss was remembering what the other person tasted like and not realizing how much you missed that until now. This kiss was not a new beginning, it was simply picking up where we left off.  


“I’m sorry I’m an idiot,” Neil said when the kiss broke. Todd rested his head on Neil’s shoulder. He had almost forgotten how perfectly he fits there, and how nice that was. Neil seemed so inevitable to Todd. He didn’t know he had survived so long without him. He didn’t know how good it felt to breathe until he had air back in his lungs.  


“It takes two to start a war, love. It’s my fault as much as yours. We were both wrong. I’m just so glad we can go back to normal now. A-And the society, we can bring the society back. I miss that stupid, damp cave, you know? I miss how good that made me feel.”  


“God, me too. You have no idea. I never thought I could miss being out there in the cold so much. That cave feels like home to me, being away from it felt wrong.”  


“Let’s go tonight. Let’s get the boys together and lets go. I wrote a poem about you, I want to share it tonight.”  


Neil beamed, “Todd Anderson actually wants to share something that he wrote at a society meeting? That’s cause for celebration.” He pecked Todd’s lips softly and quickly. 

These feelings weren’t sending sparks, they simply let off a gentle glow. It was warm familiarity, it was more welcome than either of them could ever hope to explain.


	10. Requiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All things must end, darling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry i'm posting this so late, school has been killer. But this is the final chapter of my story! Thank you for the positive words and encouragement. I promise, this is not the last anderperry you'll see from me. (Just until college apps are done).

Things had quickly gone back to normal with the Society. It was like a light switch had turned back on, and the boys had just picked up where they left off. It was a relief for everybody involved, particularly Todd and Neil. Neil had moved back into his room with Todd, who greeted him back with open arms. 

They were meeting back in the cave weekly, reading poetry and living life fully. Keating noticed the change in the boys, and it put him at ease. He almost wanted to ask one of the boys what happened, but he decided that he needed to back off, let the boys have their revival. 

Soon it was March at Welton, which lead to rainy nights in the cave. It was this night that Todd spoke up and decided he wanted to share a poem he wrote. The other members of the society cheered him on from their damp seats in the cave. Todd didn't read his poetry often, he was his own worst critic when it came to these things.

He stood at the back of the cave, facing the group of friends. He took a deep breath and tried to wish away the worried thoughts that crept into his mind. He watched each of the boys one by one as they watched him in return, but his eyes naturally lingered on Neil. Neil was looking at him like someone might look at a shooting star. It made him feel warm, it made him feel wanted. It was then he felt comfortable enough to start sharing this poem. 

"Losing you the first time taught me many lessons. 

1\. Always take the time to say I love you. You never know when you'll never get the chance again.   
2\. Love is the best, most horrible thing imaginable.   
3\. There is no problem that we cannot solve together.  
4\. Sometimes a kiss can say more than words ever could.   
5\. No one will ever fit with me the way you do. I don't want them too.   
6\. I have never felt more brave than I have with you.   
7\. The sun seems a bit brighter when you smile. You put the stars to shame.   
8\. You are my portable comfort zone.   
9\. Loving you is a state of being. 

Losing you the second time taught me but one large lesson. 

10\. It is never too late for redemption."

The boys all stared at him in silence. The weight of Todd's words were heavy, and they all knew it. When Todd finally built up the courage to look at Neil, he saw that there were tears slowly streaming down his face. The boys walked over to each other, meeting in the middle of the cave. They stood there for a moment, just watching each other, Neil crying, and Todd struggling not to. The other boys sat around them and watched Todd and Neil watch each other. And for a while, nobody said anything at all. And then Neil stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Todd's shoulders and just held him. Todd wrapped his arms around Neil's waist and did the same. They stood there for who knows how long, in the most simple state of being. Nothing mattered except the touch and understanding of the other. They could have stayed like that all night, and would have, had Cameron not let let out a feeble, "I really liked that one, Todd."

The boys all let out collective noises of agreement and then the night went back to normal. Charlie read an amazing poem about living life in the best way possible, taking chances, making mistakes. It was late when they head back to their rooms. 

When they got back to their room, Todd and Neil sat next to each other on Neil's bed. Neither of them were tired enough to go to sleep yet. They just held each other, sitting in comfortable familiarity. The hot fire of love and lust had faded to a gentle flame, and they were both just fine with that. What they had was good, and they wouldn't trade it for anything. 

"You know, I just love you a lot," Neil said, a small smile playing on his lips. 

"I know," Todd said as he snuggled closer to his boyfriend, "I love you too." 

There was no need for theatrics anymore, no need for dramatic declarations of love. They didn't need to burst into rooms screaming, no grasping desperately at each other, or gasping for breath. They had quieted down, and that was just fine. 

"God, I just want all the stupid things with you. A too-small apartment in a big city to share. Coming home to you after work, arguing over whose turn it is to do the dishes. I want to just...be with you always. I want to marry you someday." 

Todd sighed, "We can't get married, Neil. You know that. They don't let people like us get married." 

"Well not now. But someday, things could change, Todd, you'll see. Even if we're seventy years old when it happens, I'm going to marry you someday, just you wait and see."

Todd smiled absentmindedly, "Looking forward to it." The idea of a world where he could marry Neil excited him. He sincerely hoped he would live long enough to see a day where he could get married to the man he loved. Neil would want a big ceremony, no doubt. He would want theatrics, he would want to show their love off to a newly-accepting world. Todd would rather something small, a ceremony with just a few of their closest friends and family, and then a small reception with coffee and cake, smiles and laughter. He supposed they were going to have to meet somewhere in the middle, should that day ever come. He must have been thinking about that for a while, because he was shaken from his daydream by Neil kissing his forehead.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Todd chuckled, “I am not letting you turn our wedding into a giant fiasco.”

Neil laughed, “Oh come on! For one day, you’ll have to let me treat you like the Prince you are to me.”

He rolled his eyes, “Neil, we’ll be living off the salaries of a writer and an actor. Do you seriously think we’ll be able to afford an outlandish wedding?”

“Duh,” Neil said before pecking Todd’s lips lightly, “Because I’m going to be in movies, and you’re going to be a Pulitzer Prize winning writer. There will be money to spare. We’ll even be able to honeymoon in Paris. Didn’t you tell me you’ve always wanted to go there?”

Todd shook his head in amusement, “I’d better start learning French now, then, so I can be fluent by the time we go.” 

This made Neil laugh. They sat there for another hour, talking about a future that may never come to be. About what they would do when they graduated here, where they would go to school, about getting married, starting a family. They imagined a perfect forever they figured they may never get. But it was good enough for the two of them to simply imagine it. 

"We're going to make it, you and I," Neil said as he got ready for bed. 

"Elaborate," Todd said as he slipped off his sweater. 

"I mean, no matter what from here on out, we are going to make it. You and I are inevitable, Todd. Puck and the poet. We're like the couplet at the end of a sonnet." 

Todd smiled as he put in his pajama top, remembering the poem he wrote. It felt like ages ago now. "You are poetry personified," he said, quoting himself. 

Neil made his way over to Todd, wrapping his arms around his waist. He rest his forehead on his boyfriends and sighed, a brilliant smile on his face. "And I will recite you until the day I die."


End file.
